Who's looking after the person who looks after everyone else?

1 day ago

4 min read

You remember the birthdays, organise the get-togethers, check everyone is okay, anticipate what might be needed and try to make things work for everyone. But somewhere amongst all of that, when do you get considered?

Perhaps you're the person people rely on. The one who remembers things, makes arrangements, notices when someone is struggling and steps in when something needs doing. You might be very good at it. So good, in fact, that people don't always notice how much you're carrying. Perhaps you've become so used to filling everyone else's cup that yours ends up empty with no space to think about what you need yourself.

When looking after everyone becomes second nature

For some of us, looking after other people isn't simply something we do. It's a role we've played for a very long time. We might be the dependable one, the peacemaker, the person who doesn't make a fuss or the one who can always be counted on.

Sometimes this develops from a genuine desire to care for the people around us. Sometimes it's a coping mechanism we've developed, often without realising it, to help us keep others happy, avoid conflict or feel accepted. We become good at reading the room, anticipating reactions and adjusting ourselves accordingly. We might find ourselves saying yes when we'd rather say no, taking on another responsibility when we're already stretched, or putting our own plans aside because someone else needs something. Often, it's so ingrained and automatic it feels like it's part of our personality so we don't even question it. It's just what we do.

The things we don't always notice

The difficulty isn't necessarily that we're doing too much. It's that somewhere along the way we lose sight of where we fit into our own lives. We might struggle to answer simple questions:

What would I actually like to do?
What do I need at the moment?
What am I doing because I want to, and what am I doing because I feel I should?
Where could I ask for a little help?
What might happen if I didn't automatically take responsibility?

Sometimes even thinking about doing things differently brings up feelings of guilt.

We worry about disappointing people, being seen as selfish or making things difficult for others. So we carry on, often putting our own needs to one side and telling ourselves we'll get around to them later.

And then Christmas comes along...

Christmas can bring all of this into sharper focus. There are arrangements to make, presents to buy, family expectations to navigate, meals to organise and traditions to keep going. There's the mental list of things to remember, the effort of trying to make everything lovely and the emotional work of keeping everyone happy.

For some, it's a genuinely enjoyable time. For others, it can bring pressure, complicated family relationships, loneliness, grief or the feeling that there is an awful lot to manage.

And even when we enjoy Christmas, we can still find ourselves disappearing into the needs and expectations of everyone else.

Perhaps this year is an opportunity to pause and ask yourself a slightly different question:

What would make the coming weeks feel good for me, too?

Not what would make Christmas perfect. Not what everyone else would like. Just what might help you feel a little more comfortable, supported and able to enjoy it.

You don't have to do everything differently

Looking after yourself doesn't have to mean making dramatic changes or letting everybody down.

It might be deciding that something doesn't need to happen this year.

It might be asking someone else to take responsibility for a task you've always done.

It might be saying no without offering a lengthy explanation.

It might be making time for something you enjoy, allowing yourself to change your mind or recognising that you could do with a little support.

Sometimes it starts with simply noticing what you need.

You don't have to earn that consideration by reaching the point of exhaustion. Your needs matter alongside everyone else's.

Make sure you're considered, too

If you're someone who naturally puts other people first, perhaps take a moment to think about what you'd like to be different over the coming weeks.

What would you like a little more of?

What could you let go of?

What would you like some help with?

Who could you turn to if things feel difficult?

You don't need to have all the answers straight away. But you deserve to be part of the consideration, too.

A little space for yourself this Christmas

I've created a small, relaxed wellbeing evening at Tapnage Farm in Wickham called 'Christmas without the chaos'.

It's an opportunity to step away from the busyness, other people's demands and expectations, and spend some time thinking about what you need over the coming weeks, too.

We'll enjoy some festive refreshments, gently explore the pressures we carry, think about kinder boundaries and the support available to us, and put together a personal Christmas care plan. You'll also leave with a Christmas Permission Slip, a little reminder that your needs belong on the list, too.

There's no pressure to share anything personal. Just a welcoming space, some thoughtful guidance and time for yourself.

Christmas Without the Chaos