The Pleasing Trap: When Giving Your All Still Doesn’t Feel Like Enough

“I’ve done so much for everyone else… why does it never feel like enough?”

If you’ve ever had that thought, you’re not alone.

For many of us - especially those who’ve spent a lifetime trying to be kind, dependable, and emotionally available- pleasing others can feel like second nature. We’ve become experts at making people comfortable, reading the room, anticipating needs.

But slowly, quietly, this can become a way of living that keeps us small. We avoid being seen too clearly, fearing judgment or criticism. We tiptoe around what we really want, thinking: It’s easier if I just keep the peace.

And so we stay quiet, agreeable, helpful.

Only… it doesn’t work.

We end up feeling resentful, exhausted, and quietly heartbroken - because no one seems to see how much we’re doing.

The Resentment Beneath the Smile

Maybe you’ve found yourself thinking, “Don’t they see what I’ve sacrificed? How much I’ve bent myself to make things easier for them?”

We do it because we care. Because we know what it feels like to be misunderstood or overlooked. And because, deep down, we hope that one day it’ll be recognised - someone will see all our quiet effort and finally understand.

But here’s the gut-punch truth:

It pleases no one. Not really. Not sustainably.

Because no matter how much we give, other people’s happiness is outside our control. And when we try to carry that responsibility, we end up running on empty.

The more we ignore our needs, the louder the resentment becomes. But we’ve often been taught not to show that part.

So the resentment gets buried. It curdles into anger. And if we’ve never learned how to safely express our anger… it turns inward.

It becomes sadness.

Hopelessness.

Depression.

There’s a saying that depression is anger turned inward.For many people-pleasers, that rings painfully true.

It’s the injustice of feeling hollow, giving everything to others while quietly becoming invisible yourself. Watching others thrive while you’re left wondering where you even begin to meet your own needs.

So you go back to the old pattern - focus on others, because facing yourself feels too difficult, too overwhelming. We don't know how else to be in the world. It’s a loop. And it’s a lonely one.

The Way Back to You

The only way to break free is to stop trying to earn your worth.

To stop bending yourself into shapes for others to feel comfortable - and start pleasing yourself instead.

And no, I don’t mean the kind of self-love that gets thrown around on Instagram. I mean real, grounded, uncomfortable-at-times self-love.The kind that starts with radical acceptance: of where you are, who you’re around, and the fact that some people may never be pleased.

And that’s OK.

You’re not broken for needing love and validation.You learned, maybe very young, that the way to be accepted was to perform, to please, to be “good.”

Some therapists call this the fawn response—a survival strategy, where appeasing others kept us emotionally safe. It’s a lesser-known trauma response, but a powerful one. And it can become so ingrained it feels like part of your personality. Often, this began in childhood. If a parent or caregiver only praised you when you succeeded, or constantly critiqued you, you may have internalised the idea that love had to be earned. You learned to chase approval instead of receiving love unconditionally.

This isn’t about blaming our parents.

Most were doing the best they could with what they knew at the time.The emotional awareness and mental health understanding we have now wasn’t always available to them.

We can hold compassion for both truths: for their limitations, and for the unmet needs we carried into adulthood.

And with that acknowledgement, we can gently remind ourselves: You’re not that child anymore. You don’t need to keep performing to be accepted. You don’t have to earn your place in the world.

The truth is: You were always enough. Just by being here. Just by being you.

And that shift - from self-sacrifice to self-connection - is where real healing begins.

You can’t control how others see you.But you can begin to see yourself more clearly. To give yourself permission to rest. To say no. To take up space. To exist without apology. And in doing that it opens opportunity for us to be seen, to connect with others who like us for us, who accept us as we are, our tribe.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

If This Resonates…

This is the deep work of therapy: untangling the old stories that tell you your worth is something to earn - and replacing them with something far more true.

You are allowed to be fully human. To have needs. To be seen. To be loved for who you are - not just what you do.